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Short Poem Class

Hello Poets,
You asked, sometime since 2016, to be in the loop when my short poem class got up and running. We’re there!

It will be 4 weeks long at a site for learning called Thinkific.

It starts this week, where you can set your own pace. The space is open for 2 months.

I’ll be present on and off, but for sure each Saturday afternoon for discussion forums.

We’ll cover heavy structural editing, haiku and senryu, short lyric poems and minimalism in many forms.

Each lesson has principles, examples, with 4-8 stretch exercises.

There is a discussion forum for talking about the process, the principles and each other’s poems. I can give feedback on poems to your comfort level.

Week #1: Write Tighter: Trimming the Fat: 5 pages, 4 exercises, starting with your poems that are giving you problems.
Week #2: Haiku and Senryu: The aesthetics of small8 pages, 12 exercises
Week #3: Short Lyric: What can you do in under 12 lines? 7 pages, 4 exercises including golden shovels and translations of Sappho
Week 4: Minimalism: Subtraction for the sake of focus9 pages, 5 exercises including assembly, erasure, and minimalism

There are surveys of what you are looking to learn and we’ll adapt accordingly.

My CV.

It will be $180 (Canadian) by Visa, M/C, or Paypal. Note that the price is listed in U.S. dollars. $138 U.S. is $180 Canadian.

Register now

If you need a reduced rate, there are a couple spots and we can work out how to do that.

Categories: PSA, Poetry, Workshops.

CWILA self-audit

I fell just shy of 25,000 print pages (24,357p) of books and chapbooks, including page count of audio books equivalent, completed in 2018. Average page-length is 154 pages.

Doing my numbers I realized a couple good ones weren’t in my top list. Forgot them in the spreadsheet. The post below fixes that.

160 titles, 31 of them chapbooks, and 70 of the titles from 2017 or 2018, despite wanting to read not so much more back list as older. Only 5 titles pre-1800s.

About half of titles are Canadian. More than half are not poetry, which is a switch I’ve been aiming for a reading more widely.

The biggest shift is novels, which I’ve largely avoided for years. I read 33 in 2018, most often by Catherine Asaro with 14 of her books, some audio books, some read aloud to me during concussive “fun”.

Less than 1/4 of titles were by POC or indigenous writers, less than I aimed for. About 9% are by someone in the GLBQQT2+

I tended to get magazines but not actually read so much as skim, skip and dip.

I still read more by males. 44%, compared to 41% female and the remainder being non-binary or multiple authors. My rating of the book were 0.1/5 of each other regardless of place in gender spectrum.

Where did I source books and chapbooks I finished?
1. used book store (by far ahead)
2. small press fair or festival table
3. subscription
4. library
5. review copy
6. gift
7. direct from author

I confess I got 11 from Amazon, although 1 of those I got another copy of from a local indie.

There are books I have a head start on from beginning last year (or the year before). Currently reading 3, all Canadian, 2:1 female to male, one novella, one poetry, one non-fiction.

Categories: Currently reading.

Best Reads of 2018 so far

Caveat: I have over a dozen still underway. More will likely be added by year’s end but so far the shiny wows were these in no particular order:

[edited to add last few I forgot to add to my spreadsheet or finished since.Jan 3, 2019]

Poetry

The Deep End of the Sky by Chad Lee Robinson (Turtle Press, 2015): the best clear-eyed haiku I’ve read in a long time.
A Book of Annotations by Cameron Anstee (Invisible, 2018): pared back to essential to express
A Thousand Years by Marco Fraticelli (Catkin press, 2018): to enter the life of a past century
The Man in the Black Coat Turns: Poems by Robert Bly (Penguin, 1983): elegant and timeless. the music of it.
One Window’s Light, ed by Lenard D Moore (Unicorn, 2017): gave new hope for what haiku can do vividly
I left nothing inside on purpose by Stevie Howell (Penguin, 2018)
A Woman’s Mourning Song by bell hooks (Harlem River Press, 1991)
bury me deep in the green wood by rob mclennan (ECW Press, 1999): I’ve probably re-read this 5 times now.
Blackbirds by Greg Santos (Eyewear Publishing, 2018, UK): touching poems
The Clouds Float North: The Complete Poems of Yu Xuanji, trans by David Young and Jiann I. Lin (Wesleyan, 1998): feels contemporary as if the varnish layer is removed from the past
Holy Wild by Gwen Benaway (Book*hug, 2018): a rush of intensity, compression and yet lyrical as well
Brocade River Poems: Selected Works of the Tang Dynasty Courtesan Xue Tao, trans by Jeanne Larsen (Princetown, 1987): I’m not confident of her translation but it was a glorious read.
Branches by Mark Truscott (Book*hug, 2018): I love all his lines, books. I collect it all.

 
Poetry Chapbooks
The Landscapes were in my arms (figure 2) by Sara Renee Marshall (above/ground, 2018): floored me with wows
Celebration Machine by Dale Tracy (Proper Tales Press, 2018): that, folks, is how to write.
Teaching my Mother How to Give Birth by Warsan Shire (Mouthmark Series, #10, 2011): wow, intense and moving
Eleven Elleve Alive: poems by Stuart Ross, Dag T Straumsvag & Hugh Thomas (Shreeking Violet, 2018): this spurred me to write half a dozen poems
Concealed Weapons/Animal Survivors by N Hanna (above/ground,2018): a powerful set of poems
Espesantes by Stuart Ross (above/ground, 2018): I heart this.
Before Music: haiku by Philip Rowland (Red Moon Press, 2012): after seeing what he edited, wonderful to see he writes well too

 

Biography/Memoir

Born a Crime by Trevor Noah (Penguin, 2016): utterly absorbing and deft
Madame Curie: A biography by Eve Curie, translated by Vincent Sheean (Doubleday, 1937): the language and presentation embody the era
Meditations by Marcus Aurelius trans by Gregory Hays (Modern Library, 170AD, 2003): slow months of food for thought

 

Novels

The Ruby Dice by Catherine Asaro (Baen, 2008): a ride thru the clash of empires.
The Last Hawk by Catherine Asaro (Tor, 1998): like a soap opera. read everything she wrote this year.
Fall in One Day by Craig Terlson (Blue Moon, 2017): this tender tough protagonist sees nobody is doing anything so he summons his abilities. inspiring
The Uninvited by Geling Yan (Faber & Faber, 2006): harsh view of Chinese society but absorbing read
Strange Practice by Vivian Shaw (Orbit Books, 2016): serial killer zombies aren’t really, exactly.
Midnight Sweatlodge by Waubgeshig Rice (Theytus, 2011): the people around the fire each get to tell their story. the ending raised my hair.
When I grow up I Want to be a List of Further Possibilities by Chen Chen (BOA, 2017): I gobbled it a year ago. Worth a reread.
The Night they came for Til by Rebekah Lee Jenkins (Self-published, 2017): what if a suffragette gets to be the hero of their own story?
Dreadful Company by Vivian Shaw (Orbit, 2018): the doctor to the undead got herself kidnapped by a coven of vampires. Bri said if you keep laughing you’re going to have to share so we read it all aloud.

 
Non-fiction
Runaway Wives and Rogue Feminists by Margo Goodhand (Fernwood, 2017): such an eye opener and beautifully tied togehter.
Astana: Architecture, Myth & Destiny by Frank Also (Vidacom, 2017): I knew absolutely nothing of Kazakhstan and this totally reset everything.
Arthur Erickson: An architect’s life by David Stouk (Douglas & McIntyre, 2012): filled in a lot of gaps. quite the ride even if I like him less now.

 

Categories: Currently reading.

Recommended Poetry Reads

Poetry Chapbooks

  1. Unseen Garden by Roxanna Bennett (k | f | b, 2018):
  2. snow day by rob mclennan (above/ground, 2018):
  3. Espesantes by Stuart Ross (above/ground, 2018):
  4. Concealed Weapons/Animal Survivors by N Hanna (above/ground, 2018):
  5. For the Birds. For the Humans by Conyer Clayton (Battleaxe, 2018):
  6. Pipe Rose by Manahil Nadulkwala (Battleaxe, 2018):

Poetry books:

  1. I left nothing inside on purpose by Stevie Howell (Penguin Randomhouse, 2018):
  2. The True Names of Birds by Sue Goyette (Brick, 1998):
  3. A Book of Annotations by Cameron Anstee (Invisible, 2018):
  4. When I grow up I Want to be a List of Further Possibilities by Chen Chen (BOA, 2017):
  5. The Man in the Black Coat Turns: Poems by Robert Bly (Penguin, 1983):
  6. the rush to here: poems by George Murray (Nightwood Editions, 2007):
  7. bury me deep in the green wood by rob mclennan (ECW Press, 1999): Heartrending.
  8. How Do I Look? by Senneh Yee  (Metatron, 2017): Recanting with feistiness the givens.

Categories: Currently reading.

Recommended Reads

Instead of a full list of 95books this year, at just past the halfway mark, those that I was swept up into most, in no particular order.

Novels

  1. The Ruby Dice by Catherine Asaro (Baen, 2008): Part of her series set in a universe of 3 intergalactic empires, this where the Ruby Empire’s Kelric and Eubian Concord’s Jabriol are mincing around war.
  2. Undercity (Major Bhaajan #1) by Catherine Asaro (Baen, 2014): A tough lady P..I. who comes from the underclass and works among the royals. Lack of respect is mutual but they have to work on that to work.
  3. The Last Hawk by Catherine Asaro (Tor, 1998): The missing years of Kelric he never spoke of, when he was a slave inside a matriarchal society.
  4. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams (1978, audio): A third re-read of this. His sequels don’t equal it.
  5. Fall in One Day by Craig Terlson (Blue Moon, 2017): A coming of age story where a young man realizes that no one will help his friend kidnapped by his unwell father. So he’s gotta.
  6. The Night they came for Til by Rebekah Lee Jenkins (Self-published, 2017): This is set in the horse-carriage era talking about women who believe in birth control for all and for abortion. The relationship she has with her assigned guard is refreshingly healthy-respectful.
  7. My Love Story in Broken English: A Novel by Ainalem Tebeje (Baico, 2018): You can hear a 4-part interview with her on Third World Players. I have Baico gets a reach with this because it has the feeling of a fable mixed with refugee issues. Her book talk at Arts Night  I broke the record in terms of turn out.
  8. No Longer at Ease by China Achebe (Heinemann, 1960): A classic of a man learning the ropes inside the corrupted Nigerian civil service.

Memoir

  1. Born a Crime by Trevor Noah (Penguin, 2016): Compelling look into South Africa, and it’s funny when you least expect it. But you probably already read it years ago.
  2. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius trans by Gregory Hays (Modern Library, 170AD, 2003): This stands the test of time. It is now a heavily marked up copy.

Haiku

  1. The Deep End of the Sky by Chad Lee Robinson (Turtle Press, 2015): This won some awards and rightly so. Not a word out of place in prairie farmland.
  2. Before Music: haiku by Philip Rowland (Red Moon Press, 2012): Really tight haiku, not sentimental blaséing.
  3. One Window’s Light, ed by Lenard D Moore (Unicorn, 2017): with poems by L Teresa Church, Lenard D. Moore, Chrystal Simone Smith, Sheila Smith McKay and Gideon Young. If you think haiku is traipsing about chasing butterflies and stage whispering about leaves to drown out the real world, this is curative.
  4. Apology Moon: Haiku by Cherie Hunter Day (Red Moon Press, 2013)
  5. A Thousand Years: The Haiku and Love letters of Chiyo-ni  by Marco Fraticelli (Catkin press, 2018): Stands out as an enjoyable read of a too often overlooked classical poet.

Non-fiction

  1. Soul of an Octopus: A Surprising Exploration into the Wonder of Consciousness by Sy Montgomery (Simon & Schuster, 2015): This was a touching story of lives of aquarium individuals. It could have been expanded to be much longer and still engage.
  2. Runaway Wives and Rogue Feminists by Margo Goodhand (Fernwood, 2017): This should be basic high school reading. All these woman led woman’s rights and shelters and I have never herd of them. The old way just decades ago where of course women are chattel and can be hit with impunity isn’t long ago.
  3. Lost Boy by Brent W. Jeffs with Maia Szalavitz (Broadway Books, 2009): What happens in the Utah among the power-hungry Morman spin off group where girls are valued and boys are disposable competition. Wild ride.
  4. The Secret Life of Cows by Rosamund Young (F&F, 2017): This is a lovely walk in the head of a British farmer reflecting on 40 years of outstanding individuals. Also pigs and chickens make appearances.
  5. Astana: Architecture, Myth & Destiny by Frank Also (Vidacom, 2017): What do you know about Kazakistan? This brought me from zero to wow. Such a complex history and interesting leader devoted to making a utopia of environmental sustainability and equality.
  6. Portraits of the North by Gerald Kuehl (Vidacom, 2017): One page has a drawing and the facing page their oral account of a life story. Elders from across Canada speak, and it is enlightening.

Categories: Currently reading.

End of Year Stats: CWILA Self-audit

All in, all done at 115 books and chapbooks. (19 were chapbooks.)

I read 17,000 pages, with an average book length of 145 pages.

1/4 of the books finished were 5/5.

4% I completed even tho they were a slog all the way. (Some things don’t get better with time and effort.)

My 2016 goal to read more written in the deeper past fell by the wayside. Only 2 titles were before mid-century. 66 titles were new in 2017 or 2016. POC and GLBTQ2+ was more prioritized with GLBTQ2+ [Or QUILTBAG: Queer/Questioning, Undecided, Intersex, Lesbian, Transgender/Transsexual, Bisexual, Allied/Asexual, Gay/Genderqueer] authors comprising 23% of the titles completed.

My goal was to read more widely. More or less tilted that way. 69:47 Poetry: Not Poetry. Of the non-poetry, novels, memoirs and science topped the list with 39%, 29% and  19% with a few books of essays thrown in.

48% of books competed were by a female, 36% by a male and the remainder by multiple people, or non-binary folks. Unlike 2016, I didn’t rank books by males as better than all all other demographics. It was pretty tight race, but titles by males were the lowest rated and multiple the highest.

Where did most of the books come from 1. Direct from author 2. Library 3. Used Bookstore 4. New from Bookstore. Less commonly,  Review Copies, Gifts, Little Free Library, Prizes, Festivals, Online or Borrowed from friend.

Some years I’ve done a blurb on each and hyperlinked. These are the top 20% standouts, in alphabetical order:

  1. According to Loon Bay by Hannah Main-Van der Kamp (St Thomas, 2004) [Twisting of the biblical stories into modern context of urbanism and ecology. Lyrically dense and inquiring, curious spirit]
  2. Acquired Community by Jane Byers (Caitlin, 2016) [A history of the AIDs epidemic told sometimes in dialogue, sometimes in anecdote. Compelling and vivid read.]
  3. Certain Details: The Poetry of Nelson Ball (WLU, 2017) [A scooping up of the some of the best of the best of the minimalist gems.]
  4. Class Proof by Deonte Osayande (Urban Farmhouse Press, 2017) [Strikingly alert and cutting thru the clutter to consider social class and teaching under the lens. The weight is more an anchor than lead shoes depression. There’s aspiration in there and advocacy.]
  5. dark ecologies by Natalie Hanna (above/ground, 2017) [Tho not in svo, the lateral leaps of words are more powerful and articulate than discursive essays would be.]
  6. Diamond Star by Catherine Asaro (Baen, 2009) [This in the series follows one character. A sort of coming of age of an empath in the music industry.]
  7. The Hidden Life of Trees: What Feel, How They Communicate by Peter Wohlleben, trns by Jane Billinghurst (Greystone books, 2015) [More has been known for decades than is common knowledge of how trees are aware and sharing in a cross-species community.]
  8. In that Old City by the Sea by David Blaikie (Éditions des petits nuages, 2017) [A sense of place, pace and song of Eastern Canada.]
  9. I Have to Live by Aisha Sasha John (Penguin random house, 2017) [Reconciling that so much is messed up and screams for personal agency but at the same time, there is this now and there’s a need for the concrete daily moment.]
  10. Invisible 2:  Essays & poems on representation in SF/F  (Amazon, 2015) [Perspectives of people sidelined by narratives, people who are not reflected in scifi in an aspect, whether, Jewish, indigenous, living with disability, have metamours, are old, or asian, puerto rican not hispanic, are fat, are non-binary, or, or. There are 3 in this essay series. I’d recommend them all.]
  11. Listen, Partisan! And other Stumbling Haibun by Chris Johnson (Frog Hollow Press, 2016) [I always look forward to new work by Johnson because of the lively yet accepting spirit in it, and this travelogue is no exception.]
  12. the lithium body by Sarah MacDonnell (In/Words, 2017) [This blew me away in the live reading, and in each subsequent reading of the text. It’s the music, how words come together, intercut, and the contents.]
  13. Little Wildheart by Micheline Maylor (UofA, 2017) [Gave me new hope for poetry when I was in a crummy run of not “feeling” any of it. This serious play resonated.]
  14. Metaphysical Dictionary by Svetlana Lilova, ill by Graham Falk (Dumagrad Books, 2016) [This off-kilter yet dead on daffynition is cutting and true.]
  15. North by Marilyn Irwin (above/ground, 2017) [Women self-portray a narrow wounded self but this opens up from sketch to competency and struggles mixed with the rest of life yet does so succinctly and with power.]
  16. One Good Turn: A natural history of the screwdriver and the screw by Witold Rybczynski (PerennialCanada, 2000) [Read this entire thing aloud. What a twisted path everyday objects have. Some have long provenance and some surprisingly short.]
  17. Rhinocerous by Yoko’s Dogs (Devil’s Whim Press, 2016) [This renga of many minds shows the art of the graceful leap. It can’t be rushed.]
  18. She’s Having a Doris Day by Jeff Kirby, (k | f | b, 2017) [The rich fuel mix of having important things to say and to be not too precious to say it simply.]
  19. She Don’t Mean a Thing if She Ain’t Got that Swing by Guy Simser (Catkin Press, 2016) [We read this one three times. A memoir in haibun, it is a fascinating life trip.]
  20. Silence by Nora Parker Cox, illus., Anna Bongiovanni (Hucklenut Press, 2016) [Breathtaking. There is a self-examination in how the self forms the self, and reaching into the dark.]
  21. Thirty-seven Small Songs & Thirteen Silences by Jan Zwicky (Gaspereau Press, 2005) [I needed a time away and this could slow my mental pace like a seaside walk.]
  22. Thirty-Three by Geoffrey Young (above/ground, 2017) [The sort of chapbook that makes me say, who? Can I get everything he’s ever done?]
  23. What a Fish Knows: The Inner Lives of our Underwater Cousins by Jonathan Balcombe (Farrar, Strauss & Giroux (2016) [This is what each person should know about individual fish. The intelligence, learning, cultures, personalities, responses to harm or threat. They aren’t as different as they appear.]
  24. Whatever, Iceberg by Tara-Michelle Zunuik (Mansfield Press, 2017) [This was shaken in the face of a few friends. It resonated enough I needed to take breaks.]
  25. The Unworn Necklace by Roberta Beary (Snapshot Press, 2007) [The book is a wonder where not a piece is out of place and each element had it own life and publication around the world but adds up to a new whole.]

On Thursday on CKCU Literary Landscape I’ll pick up half a dozen to go into with samples and maybe reasons why.

Categories: Currently reading.

Poets Laureates Come to Ottawa: Dec 1-2, Free

Laureate poster

Categories: PSA, Poetry.

Personal Top 21

So far I’ve completely read 95 books and chapbooks this year. These are the ones that impressed me most, in no particular order:

poetry:

Thirty-seven Small Songs & Thirteen Silences by Jan Zwicky (Gaspereau Press, 2005)
Thirty-Three by Geoffrey Young (above/ground, 2017)
the lithium body by Sarah MacDonnell (in/words, 2017)
Class Proof by Deonte Osayande (Urban Farmhouse Press, 2017)
She Don’t Mean a Thing if She Ain’t Got that Swing by Guy Simser (Catkin Press, 2016) [read twice]
Silence by Nora Parker Cox, illus., Anna Bongiovanni (Hucklenut Press, 2016)
In that Old City by the Sea by David Blaikie (Éditions des petits nuages, 2017) [read twice]
Forge by Jan Zwicky (Gaspereau, 2011)
Listen, Partisan! And other Stumbling Haibun by Chris Johnson (Frog Hollow Press, 2016) [read twice]
Metaphysical Dictionary by Svetlana Lilova, ill by Graham Falk (Dumagrad Books, 2016) [read three times]
Certain Details: The Poetry of Nelson Ball (WLU, 2017)
The Unworn Necklace by Roberta Beary (Snapshot Press, 2007)
She’s Having a Doris Day by Jeff Kirby (k | f | b, 2017)
Rhinoceros by Yoko’s Dogs (Devil’s Whim press, 2016)
Acquired Community by Jane Byers (Caitlin, 2016)

Non-fiction

Portraits of Canadian Writers by Bruce Meyer (Porcupine’s Quill, 2017)
Deep breath: a book of haiku evolutions, ed by Terry Ann Carter (Leaf Press, 2017)
The Hidden Life of Trees: What Feel, How They Communicate by Peter Wohlleben, trans by Jane Billinghurst (Greystone books, 2015)
What a Fish Knows: The Inner Lives of our Underwater Cousins by Jonathan Balcombe (Farrar, Strauss & Giroux (2016)
Trail & Landscape, vol 51, #4 (2017)

Fiction:
Catch the Lightning: The new novel of the saga of the Skolian empire by Catherine Asaro (TOR, 1996)

Categories: Currently reading.

bpNichol Award

Each year $4000 gets given to one Canadian chapbook.

The finalists for the 2017 bpNichol Chapbook Award are:

The winner will be announced at 2 p.m. on November 18, 2017, at the annual Meet the Presses Indie Literary Market, open from 12 noon to 5 p.m. at Trinity-St. Paul’s Centre, 427 Bloor Street West, in Toronto.

The Market introduces the public to independent literary publishers of books, chapbooks, magazines, ephemera, and recordings generally not available in bookstores. The free event is curated by Meet the Presses, a volunteer literary collective devoted to showcasing the work of independent publishers of fiction, poetry, and creative non-fiction. It’s a great place to find new reading stuff and to chat with all the makers and shakers.

Categories: PSA, Poetry.

Reflections on publicity

I used to use this space for rumination, poetry drafts, signal boost to other blogs, and it gradually unconsciously became a PSA hub and advertorial for organizations I’m involved with.

I went silent for a while for taking on too much, including house-construction and moving to another province. Probably no one is left reading but that’s fine. It’s how it began. One earnest voice using the internet to see if there was another mind to listen out there. Nothing to do with selling, only signalling.

Last night I went to Tree and forgot my camera. I know the phone is useless in such lighting so didn’t even try. The password for the venue changed so I couldn’t livetweet. It was relaxing.

How much of the last 20 years have I been present with events without part of my mind watching for The Moment for a photo that catches a characteristic energetic facial expression and gesture, without listening for a tweet-length quotable to promote what I’m at, whether it is an architectural lecture, conference, festival, street fair, birthday, wedding, family reunion, concert, reading, or even reading a book, looking for isolated paragraphs that can stand along as essential.

Add to the automatic publicity role I take on whether I’m involved with the organization or not, and I have to ask, what is that?

I’ve been on school newspapers and yearbooks since I was 15. Some of my original university plans were journalism here or there.

But why? It is overextension of the adage that if you learn something you have an obligation to reteach it, thus a teaching career and thus poetry?

Is it a method from good place to counter my nervous nature by focussing in some way, or by controlling in some way? Is it a protestant work ethic to never be idle? Or is is resistance by default to resist and filter stringently whatever I perceive so nothing slips in unannounced?

Letting things wash over me rather than trying to take it all in, taking notes at a music concert, or while reading, trying to hold it all, is that not cling? A variation of hoarding? And does that not come from insecurity, a fear of loss?

I thought I converted my ideology to a system of ampleness and capacity to deal but this suggests the pressure I put on myself still runs. Is it a desire to please and assure others that their acts and words don’t fall into a vacuum. It is a paying attention, a kind of honouring expended effort.

My bent as an archivist of stuff all try to preserve, which is a looking backward and expecting the future will want to look backward?

What if we want to move, and trust there is a forward that descended from that route but the route has no need to preserved? Each path forward creates a new past. Pasts are infinite. They aren’t in opposition to allowing a future but how relevant are they?

All photo albums become books of the dead. Especially as someone with no biological heirs, who are photos kept for? Is this the best use of posterity? Or is action more of use? There’s an opportunity cost to saving the past. It hits my own reward centres, which is a fine and useful thing chemically speaking. It has some use. But what costs are incurred?

Being what I call “civilian” (rather than camera-twitter cyborg) I could hear more complexity of tone of voice. I could let things unfold rather than anticipate and be disgruntled at predicting. I could perceive people without causing flinch at trying to capture souls.

I could frame photos in my mind as by habit, but let them pass and float around mentally untethered. I could listen without planning to speak. I could be silent the entire night. I dodn’t need to write up an event report, or encapsulate what I’d convey to someone else.

That brain that’s not seeking to frame is a rare state. I’m always scanning for lines of poems, for metaphors, for something to convey to the page, which cares as little as a wall does for my words, and has as little use for them.

I suppose a few things add together, a book we read where the pov seemed forced into an effective plot frame, but all seem caricatured and contrived, still funny, but false. It begged the question of real sight vs. seeing what you expect. We all risk doing the latter.

A tenet of my life is that I fly towards that which scares me because otherwise I am crushed by fears which amplify like the bullies they are. Avoidance makes it worse. Self-imposed exposure therapy makes it easier. Thus my aunt saying for a lifetime she eats no ice cream because as a little girl she found glass in it so she gets fear, 60+ years later when anyone eats ice cream…it makes me angry at her loss. It says that I will not do that. If she is susceptible to it, I need to defend more against the walls falling on myself. What if all my force of opposing my energies or not opposing the energy would have ended up with me in the same place either way? It is ego that says ones choices cause change but there is visible pattern of cause and effect.

When I got PTSD flashbacks after a car accident, even flashes of light reflecting reneacted the accident in my body. Walking past a car bumper. Any sudden acceleration or deceleration to turn or respond to traffic lights made me flashback and go rigid and call out. For years. This meant I had to keep getting in cars, not hide in my room. Accept when stress made me twitchy and shut off. Once I recovered, I had to at least walk sidewalks, be a passenger, drive and deal because it’s a non-starter that I could let this rule.

As a corollary, crowds overwhelm me. They are loud, in my personal space, are full of scents that can trigger migraines, scents that can spur panic attacks, among too many unknowns of people who may act erratically, and with poets may talk from any trigger while we all applaud politely. So naturally, I had to go until my system’s reactions calmed the heck down. But I needed a crutch to cope and screening out people is helped by a camera and a purpose. An excuse, a reason. And to be validated for “your good photos” kept me engaged and countering the risk of pushing my own boundaries. It lined up with my historian’s ideology that selective bits of history should be kept, and my publicist, journalist instinct for a story to sell.

But I said a few things came together to persuade me that posting about events was a good thing.

Pragmatically I published and to publish to sell, people need to know these good ideas packaged on paper exist.

And Garry while I sorted the garage said, why not bonfire it all? I said, but look, I found a photo of my mom in the 80s I didn’t know I had. He replied, but you already know what she looks like, and after you’re gone, it won’t matter to anyone else. That boosted energy to be more selective and less clingy on what I kept.

More recently, we listened to the podcast Accidental Creative, episode on Selective attention how we need downtime to process and convert to new patterns, transformation, and wisdom, not just take in more noise and information.

A Tree workshop exercise last night was with Rachel McCrum. A eureka of understanding more my own motivations, strengths and interest in communications. And why.

I am introverted. People take a lot of energy. To put myself in front of people drains not energizes. Face-to-face can wear me out, which is worth the cost in getting to know people, but I have to pace myself, and actually get to know people, instead of just being exposed to people.

But the exercise: We were to read and look away from the partner, then look into the eyes of the partner. What effect does performance vs. performance to one person have on the weights of words, the critique, the intimacy.

What do we need to share? Why do we need to share?

What else could I hold space for? Downtime, processing time, space to see what comes and where I might like to go if I wasn’t pushing myself towards certain places of habit.

Categories: Uncategorized.